I Am Failing at Failing Good

I've been on this road before. The street names have changed, but the direction (or lack thereof) is the same.

But in the name of getting back up, something I'm working on this year, I'm going to review the last 9 months in a hyper-self awareness because I think a lot of my other friends have been down this road with different names, too.

Back in January, I was depressed. I had recently lost the election and wasn't feeling better, everything was falling apart, so I grasped at self-help/motivational books, podcasts, movies, people, ANYTHING to start pulling myself out of the pit I was in. 

It worked. 

I began a year of self-improvement tasks utilizing Michael Hyatt's LifeScore test results and from about February to June, I paid off $12,000 of debt, Marie Kondo'd my house, read more books than I have in years, rediscovered yoga and meditation, lost some weight, dropped some commitments to make a calmer life, and I was feeling SO much better that I started a path for Failing Good by about May with the original peak goal of being a best-selling author, high-paid public speaker, and eventually to host my own syndicated radio show to carry me into retirement.

May to July was when I REALLY kicked it into high gear. I had written 21,000 words of my book and was submitting publication queries, I was blogging every week, I had a podcast producer and studio lined up, I was doing everything in the right direction and determined to see it through. Then a roadblock popped up. I don't remember what was first, maybe it was my 6th book rejection when they stopped being inspiring and just depressing, or the producer who backed out and left me to figure out where else I had already mentally crossed off my list of options to get it rolling because I was so sure in them, or it was when my computer died and took a bunch of my projects that hadn't yet saved to the cloud w it, or when I quit my side job because I wasn't keeping up and only felt guilty to do my own work when I knew I was failing my boss.

When the first few hit, I rolled with them because that's what new, super-motivated me would do. When the next few came with it, I started second guessing. Maybe this whole thing isn't really for me. I mean, I don't want all those rich and famous problems, I just want to be home w my kids. I was kidding myself to think I was good enough to be published or featured or picked up for any of this.

And along w the related failures, I also spent a bunch of money on the house fixes and not in paying down more debt like I had hoped this summer (I'll never be good w money, why deprive myself while I try?). I gained back all the weight I lost, disappointed my personal trainer and friend, and for the first time admitted that I really need to fix my mind before I fix my body and I'm not ready to do that yet (I hate being thin anyways, why don't I just jump on the bod-pos bandwagon and love being fat instead). I stopped reading after a book that I just didn't like and felt dissatisfied that I had invested my time in them (scrolling social media is basically the same, right?). I stopped my church search when one visit bummed me out after dozens that inspired me (who needs organized religion, I'm good....).

So in August, it all fell away. Even the things I was doing ok at like meditation and working out 30 minutes a day. Once I decided it was all falling apart, I let it ALL fall apart. And when I'm falling, I can tell myself that I KNOW I'll feel better after a quick yoga session, but my body won't get up and do it. I have all the proof that I'll feel better if I schedule my time, keep to a habit tracker, force a morning routine instead of hitting snooze again, but I don't have the willpower for it anymore. 

Where did it go? Probably to the same place my motivation to do 20 years in the military went. Which is the same place my other 4 blogs and 2 half-start books have gone. That's in the vicinity of the 60 lbs I lost 9 years ago, the therapist I loved but couldn't afford, and the self-discipline to NOT go to McDonalds and finally just pay off my old credit card balance.

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized only ONE of my positive habits has stayed consistent from January to now, at my peaks and even when I quit everything: Every day after work, between 4-5pm, I walk Zylo half a mile. 

Why is that the ONLY thing I'm still doing? Accountability to a why that is bigger than my won't.

My 14 year old tired and achy puppy, gets up from wherever she is as soon as I'm home, and waits by the door for me until I get my tennis shoes on and we go. It's the most energy she has all day, it's the one thing she looks forward to now that she doesn't eat much and she can't run. It's the one time she smiles at me and definitely remembers who I am because those smiles are leaving along w her dementia. It is so important to her day that I will change and detour things in my own to make sure I get back for her. The reason for me to walk her is so much bigger than the reasons I won't. 

So now I have to do that....with everything. I need bigger whys and I need accountability. 

- I joined a book club to get back to reading, and it worked, I read a book this month! 

- I'm up early again because my kids are back in school and their success and having positive morning is more important than my sleeping in! 

- I worked out last night because my jeans are getting tight again and I can't afford a new wardrobe lol...BIG whys....

But I need help. I need to admit that I need coaches or therapy or I need to ask friends who will stick it out w me (because while I love some of you, you and I both know that if I back out of going to the gym for a day, you will too lol). I need to start finding and forcing those things again to get me back on track. Like I did back in January, but with a head start because I'm only a little down and now completely out, I need to find the first foot holds where I can start to climb again and get back to the sun. 

The biggest mistake I have made in the last 9 months is doing it all myself and not walking through it with anyone but my dog. Here's to learning from mistakes, asking for help, and continuing on the climb.