I Didn't Get the Job

A few weeks ago, I went to a job interview for a start-up healthcare company with a mission I love and an atmosphere where I would thrive. I had a phone interview with HR, two more phone interviews, then I was invited to meet three people at the office for an afternoon. I loved it. I killed the interview, enjoyed all the people I met, had an answer for every question and a follow up for every idea. Here's a selfie from while I was between meetings, waiting in the beautiful light-filled exposed brick conference room, and feeling SUPER confident about the whole thing.

Last Monday, I got an email that HR had made a decision and they would call me the next day. TOTALLY expected good news. If it was bad, they would have just said so in the email, right? I started prepping my salary negotiation strategy, researched my lower limits and upper expectations, talked to my sister and my friends about it. I was daydreaming about how my life could change w the $20K raise, which wasn't even counting the better healthcare and matching 401K in their benefits. I was pumped and smiling when HR called me at 10:30 on the dot.

Then she said they loved my interview, but went w someone else. The hiring manager said he thought I would be a great fit for the company, but not in analytics, and that I should go for the job in appeals and grievnaces instead. You know, the part of healthcare where you just get yelled at and hear sob stories all day. Fun. It's kind of fuzzy because I felt shell shocked by the rejection, but HR said she would follow up w me on the other job. I haven't heard from her in a week.

I got off the call and I cried. Found a reason to leave work for a bit and cry in my car, got myself together before I went back in. I'm still crying now writing about it. But why? I mean, I know rejection hurts, but I think it's because I don't know what went wrong. I've been in interviews where I knew it wouldn't work - I had a bad feeling, or I could tell by question four that I was out of my depth. But this one felt good.

So then I start imagining why they wouldn't hire me. Did I say something wrong? Was my $100 outfit the wrong look? Did my once a year makeup routine show that I was trying too hard? Is it because I'm 5 years older or 80 pounds heavier than the girls who would be my bosses? Am I not as smart or funny or likable as I thought I came across? Am I like that all the time? It's clearly been bugging me.

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The last time I didn't get a job I wanted was when I went for the job I currently have, but 4 years ago instead of 2 when I got it.

The first boss quit abruptly and the rest of the team and I were left holding the bag. I took the opportunity to shine in my leadership and keep things afloat. I went to every meeting and made every conference call, I killed it in the intervew and almost sacrificed a frindship going head to head w my coworker for it. I hadn't heard a decision when I was in, yet another meeting, and the Lietenant Colonel said casually "Sorry to hear you missed out on the promotion, I didn't even know CPT R was going for the job, did you?" My face must have explained that I did not. My friend, former miltary counterpart, who had heard about my boss quitting, swooped in to apply for the job, KNOWING I was going to apply for it, and didn't tell me she was, too. It was a rejection and a betrayal in one.

She stayed on for less than a year. She fudged our numbers, created animosity on the team, and made things look good for higher headquarters. I spent my first year in the role cleaning up her work. I ended up getting the job because of a contract change when she decided to stay with the old company, so I'll always know that no matter how well I do and how much progress I make, I never their first choice.

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Another job rejection I still remember was when I applied during the government furlough to work at BlueZones for a role way beyond anything I thought I could do. It came down to me and someone who was a VP at a big Minneapolis consulting firm, and our final intervew was to do a presentation about ourselves to the board. I was a PowerPoint wizard, so I made an awesome slide deck (kind of cringy by today's standards) and - I will forever kick myself for this - I made notecards because back then, I thought ALL professional speakers walked around w notecards.

When I didn't get the job, they told me I did a heck of a presenation, but the hiring manager said to me: "the looming question of the room was, 'Who needs notecards about THEMSELVES? Get some confidence, work on your skills, and maybe we'll see you back here someday.'" Not there yet, I guess.

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So now, I follow my own advice. I tried it, I failed. If they call me, I'll try again, I guess. Until then, I'm going to feel bad for a bit, then work to fix my insecurities and issues, and grow to go for something even better soon enough.