OK, I only dated the actual same guy like...9 or 10 times. But I've dated the same TYPE of guy over and over and over and I don't know how to actually break out of it.
Don't worry family, I'll keep this blog PG-13, maybe some cussing, but no sexual content.
I have a very distinct "type," and it has nothing to do with height or hairline. From my high school boyfriend to my husband to everyone I have really crushed on before and after:
- My type has a really REALLY good heart deep down, but it's hidden under this tragic backstory or helpless puppy aspect of his life, and *I* am the only one who can make him better and save him from himself.
- He's insanely intelligent, but was the type to fail classes in high school because he was bored or because it was all so beneath him. He thinks college is for people who need to prove something and he's too apathetic or is against the system as his excuse to not go.
- He's probably a borderline alcoholic, but I overlook it because we have this magic energy and chemistry, so I am the driver to the parties and the caretaker after.
- We like the same weird music or movies or shows, and even if we don't I'll adjust my personality to get there.
- He's probably ex-military (enlisted), so there's a lot of side-crazy that goes along w that ;)
My ex-husband was sweet with a tough childhood and then PTSD from Iraq, so he checked the box for all of this. Since we divorced 5 years ago, my significant to my short-lived relationships have followed similar patterns that have always ended like episodes of Sex and the City....
- Navy Guy and I were on and off for 2 years before he said he wanted to get married and have babies, and I didn't. I heard he did all of it recently, so good for him.
- Hipster Boo and I were always political and lifestyle opposites (right and left, extroverted and introverted, homeowner and perma-renter, babies and flying solo...), but we made it through a tumultuous year together before we saw this could go nowhere outside of his Uptown brownstone
- Smoky Lumberjack ended up being still married
- Bearded Libertarian was too busy with a million side projects for a girlfriend
- Kevin Costner moved to Colorado
- Black Spiderman wanted someone spontaneous, and my time and money didn't match
- Christmas Date had some serious short man syndrome and bragged about picking fights all the time
- Flannel Man was too deep into the local band scene and lived w like, 20 roommates in Northeast
My breaking point came last year when I dated - yet another - tragic Iraq Vet with a lot of baggage and backstory hidden underneath puppy dog brown eyes, an easy smile, and interesting conversation. When that one blew up, I said I'm done. I'm not dating at all anymore until I can get myself un-attracted to red flags.
So I didn't date or Tinder or LOOK at anyone, for a year.
Then, in the midst of my self-help climb out of my post-election depression, I heard Brene Brown tell a crowd that declaring yourself single for life isn't bold, it's the cowards way out. You're not stronger for quitting, you're admitting defeat and giving up. She probably said it nicer, but it hit home that while I really AM ok by myself, if I'm being REAL honest and vulnerable, it wouldn't be the worst thing to have a decent guy as a go-to wedding date for the rest of my life. So I went back in.
The first guy I dated in a year, on what I told him was our training wheels date, was maybe the nicest most put together guy who has ever shown interest in me. He was in good shape, 7 years older than me, owns his own successful business, has normal people hobbies, did sweet little things like hold the door and put his hand on my back, or pay for the night expecting nothing but a goodnight kiss and a bear hug.He has an ex-wife, but they're friends; no kids, and a sweet and loyal dog at the house he owns. Great, wonderful, best guy.....and I got bored. I have no reason to have stopped calling him, except that there were no fireworks, no butterflies, no magic energy, so I bailed.
And then I got discouraged again. What does it say about ME if the best guys are just not my type? How many great guys have put ME on their crazy ex list because of MY good heart covered in emotional baggage? How many amazing guys who I have been friends with over the years, determined I was too much, or knew I was the type to get bored with their wonderful calmness, so they didn't even take the first step?
My biggest recent crush (since the best guy) was all butterflies and chemistry, but after a week of wonderful dates, deep conversations, and late night texting, he said he didn't want to be a step-dad, so he's out. I feel myself slipping back as I went on a date last night with an self-admitted "crazy Marine" with all SORTS of tragic backstory, but who is super into me and begging to see me again, and in spite of my declaration a year and a half ago, I'm considering a second date. Because maybe this is just my type and I need to lean into it....
--
End of blog self-analysis:
Having read through my tone the last few entries, it's clear that I'm slipping backwards. Over the summer, I had an optimistic "yes, these are my failures, but it has been / will be better!" but since "I Didn't Get the Job" I'm feeling defeated and down again. I see it in my writing, in my habits, in myself, and I don't have the fortitude to do all the things I told everyone over the summer - get back to meditation, keep moving forward with my book, exercise and eat better, stop drinking....I'm backsliding and I need to reestablish the foundations that pulled me out of the pit, because I really don't want to fall back in again.
Don't worry family, I'll keep this blog PG-13, maybe some cussing, but no sexual content.
I have a very distinct "type," and it has nothing to do with height or hairline. From my high school boyfriend to my husband to everyone I have really crushed on before and after:
- My type has a really REALLY good heart deep down, but it's hidden under this tragic backstory or helpless puppy aspect of his life, and *I* am the only one who can make him better and save him from himself.
- He's insanely intelligent, but was the type to fail classes in high school because he was bored or because it was all so beneath him. He thinks college is for people who need to prove something and he's too apathetic or is against the system as his excuse to not go.
- He's probably a borderline alcoholic, but I overlook it because we have this magic energy and chemistry, so I am the driver to the parties and the caretaker after.
- We like the same weird music or movies or shows, and even if we don't I'll adjust my personality to get there.
- He's probably ex-military (enlisted), so there's a lot of side-crazy that goes along w that ;)
My ex-husband was sweet with a tough childhood and then PTSD from Iraq, so he checked the box for all of this. Since we divorced 5 years ago, my significant to my short-lived relationships have followed similar patterns that have always ended like episodes of Sex and the City....
- Navy Guy and I were on and off for 2 years before he said he wanted to get married and have babies, and I didn't. I heard he did all of it recently, so good for him.
- Hipster Boo and I were always political and lifestyle opposites (right and left, extroverted and introverted, homeowner and perma-renter, babies and flying solo...), but we made it through a tumultuous year together before we saw this could go nowhere outside of his Uptown brownstone
- Smoky Lumberjack ended up being still married
- Bearded Libertarian was too busy with a million side projects for a girlfriend
- Kevin Costner moved to Colorado
- Black Spiderman wanted someone spontaneous, and my time and money didn't match
- Christmas Date had some serious short man syndrome and bragged about picking fights all the time
- Flannel Man was too deep into the local band scene and lived w like, 20 roommates in Northeast
My breaking point came last year when I dated - yet another - tragic Iraq Vet with a lot of baggage and backstory hidden underneath puppy dog brown eyes, an easy smile, and interesting conversation. When that one blew up, I said I'm done. I'm not dating at all anymore until I can get myself un-attracted to red flags.
So I didn't date or Tinder or LOOK at anyone, for a year.
Then, in the midst of my self-help climb out of my post-election depression, I heard Brene Brown tell a crowd that declaring yourself single for life isn't bold, it's the cowards way out. You're not stronger for quitting, you're admitting defeat and giving up. She probably said it nicer, but it hit home that while I really AM ok by myself, if I'm being REAL honest and vulnerable, it wouldn't be the worst thing to have a decent guy as a go-to wedding date for the rest of my life. So I went back in.
The first guy I dated in a year, on what I told him was our training wheels date, was maybe the nicest most put together guy who has ever shown interest in me. He was in good shape, 7 years older than me, owns his own successful business, has normal people hobbies, did sweet little things like hold the door and put his hand on my back, or pay for the night expecting nothing but a goodnight kiss and a bear hug.He has an ex-wife, but they're friends; no kids, and a sweet and loyal dog at the house he owns. Great, wonderful, best guy.....and I got bored. I have no reason to have stopped calling him, except that there were no fireworks, no butterflies, no magic energy, so I bailed.
And then I got discouraged again. What does it say about ME if the best guys are just not my type? How many great guys have put ME on their crazy ex list because of MY good heart covered in emotional baggage? How many amazing guys who I have been friends with over the years, determined I was too much, or knew I was the type to get bored with their wonderful calmness, so they didn't even take the first step?
My biggest recent crush (since the best guy) was all butterflies and chemistry, but after a week of wonderful dates, deep conversations, and late night texting, he said he didn't want to be a step-dad, so he's out. I feel myself slipping back as I went on a date last night with an self-admitted "crazy Marine" with all SORTS of tragic backstory, but who is super into me and begging to see me again, and in spite of my declaration a year and a half ago, I'm considering a second date. Because maybe this is just my type and I need to lean into it....
--
End of blog self-analysis:
Having read through my tone the last few entries, it's clear that I'm slipping backwards. Over the summer, I had an optimistic "yes, these are my failures, but it has been / will be better!" but since "I Didn't Get the Job" I'm feeling defeated and down again. I see it in my writing, in my habits, in myself, and I don't have the fortitude to do all the things I told everyone over the summer - get back to meditation, keep moving forward with my book, exercise and eat better, stop drinking....I'm backsliding and I need to reestablish the foundations that pulled me out of the pit, because I really don't want to fall back in again.
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